Study leader Professor Chris Frith says: “The ability to adapt to others and align ourselves with them is an important social skill. However, at what level is this skill implemented in the brain? At a software (information processing) or hardware (structural) level? Our results show that social conformation is, at least in part, hard-wired in the structure of the brain.”

Again, we’re brought back to the whole nature / nurture debate. One of the questions that doesn’t appear to be addressed by the study is how much the size of the brain area is a function of genetics vs. environment, lifestyle, etc. It may, however, open the door for us to start developing new ways for people to improve their ability to stand up to social pressure as well as measuring the effectiveness of different approaches in a more physical way (via brain scans).

My guess is that the eventual outcome of this will be to find, like so many things, it’s not nature or nuture, but a combination of both. I realize that correlation is not causation, but when I work with clients who have difficulty standing up to social pressure, they almost always have some common elements in their background such as a lack of accepting, nurturing support from caregivers in childhood or the experience of being punished for being willing to go against the ‘norm’. That said, if we are able to identify an organic physical component, it may help us identify children who are more ‘at risk’ and work harder with them to develop that area of their brain.

Buppy also liked cats. Well, let me clarify: she liked chasing cats. One day, as she was pulling me down the street, she saw a cat on the sidewalk partway down the block from us, and decided to give chase. Before I knew it, my skateboard and I were going at a speed that was well beyond my comfort zone, leaving me very anxious, especially as it became clear that our course of travel was going to result in me crashing into the curb before too long.

Unfortunately, we don’t always best decision making under stress – especially when engaged in a new activity or at risk of physical injury. Thinking back, I remember one primary thought coming up for me: don’t let go of the leash. I was worried about Buppy catching the cat or ending up in a neighbor’s back yard while in pursuit of the cat (yes, she was quite capable of jumping fences!) Of course, that only left two alternatives – continue traveling at this high rate of speed and figure out a way to jump the curb … or jump off the skateboard.

Well, I didn’t let go – I jumped off the skateboard while still holding onto the leash. I landed on my knees (thank you, mom, for making me wear knee pads), and got dragged … I don’t know how far, but the kneepads sustained substantial damage, so it was quite a ways. Amazingly, I didn’t sustain any injury except to my pride, since one of my good friends was witness to this incident.

Moral of the story? Well, as a magnet I found last year said: “Let go … or be dragged.” This seems simple enough in concept, but in practice it often proves to be a major challenge for us. Humans are wired to fear loss, and letting go of something is a form of loss. When what we have (or think we have) is threatened, we tend to cling to it. That clinging often brings us suffering, being it physical, financial, emotional, or some other form.

We might be clinging on to an object or memory – perhaps one that reminds us of a different or happier time, though it also distracts us from our current pain and making changes that would help us to be happier now. We might be clinging onto a job that makes us resentful and miserable because we fear being able to find something else, but we spiral down into a black hole of depression and low self-esteem as the job saps our energy and identity. We might be clinging onto a vision of a relationship that will never actually come to pass – but because we can’t let go of that vision, we stay and struggle, bringing more suffering to us and our partner instead of recognizing that the relationship isn’t going to work and moving on. Sure, sometimes we let go too soon – there’s something to be said for commitment and keeping things that are of value. However, when something in your life brings you frequent suffering, maybe it’s time to let go … or, you’ll probably keep getting dragged.

These clients typically share stories about friends and family members who have told them to leave the relationship, who have asked why they stay, and otherwise have pushed them to see the ‘obvious’ facts about how unhealthy the relationship is. It’s not unusual for the clients themselves to wonder why they are still in the relationship … inevitably, they have either thought about leaving, threatened to leave, or gone through an on again/off again phase with their partner. Despite all this ambivalence, they continue to stay.

When we do some exploration, it usually turns out that a big reason they are ‘stuck’ is that they don’t see themselves or their choices accurately. Their internal dialogue usually looks something like this: “Well, this relationship has a lot of problems, but it has good things, too. When it’s good, it’s really good. My partner keeps saying that I’m the one causing problems in the relationship … and if they keep saying that, maybe they’re right. I’m not good at relationships. If I leave the relationship, then I’ll be alone. I won’t find someone else. If I’m alone, then I’m a loser.”

So, in other words, they see two options:

1) Stay in an unhappy relationship that is sometimes good, and keep trying to make the relationship better, because they’ve been told that if they change, things will improve.

2) Leave, be alone, and a ‘loser’.

From that perspective, it’s not as hard to see why someone might stay – if my choices were truly between being in a ‘sometimes good’ relationship and being a loser, I might go for the relationship. However, those aren’t the real choices in the situation. Here’s what I’d say their choices really are:

1) Stay in a relationship that has positive moments but is ultimately unfulfilling and emotionally damaging, in part due to an inflexible partner who isn’t taking responsibility for their role in the relationship problems.

2) Leave the relationship, gain the energy and time being lost to the conflict of your present relationship and have the freedom to pursue a relationship with a partner who shares your values and goals and is willing to take an active role in growing the relationship.

This is another situation where mindset makes a huge difference.

Anytime we know or believe that there is an adequate quantity of something, we tend to not worry to much about being able to get more. However, when we believe something is limited in availability, we tend to increase the value we assign to it – examples abound of hard-to-find Xmas toys selling for insane amounts on Ebay, for example. In addition, we tend to overvalue what we already have.

So, if I’m in a relationship and I’m concerned about being able to find another one, I’ll probably overvalue my current relationship and see it as healthier, better, and more valuable than it is. This is further exacerbated by the emotion that typically comes up around relationships – strong emotions can further distort our ability to see things accurately.

Whether it’s in a relationship or another situation, when you find yourself feeling stuck, you might want to find a way to step back and take a look at your choices. Are you seeing them accurately? Are you able to objectively assess the situation? For most of us, it’s difficult, if not impossible to do alone – here’s where a trusted friend, support group, or therapist can be very helpful.

With this upcoming move, my thoughts have been on change, how change affects us, and my own experiences with change. For the early part of my life, change was something I disliked. Why? Well, before I went to college, I lived in 9 different homes. (If you add in the number of different places my father lived that I stayed in on weekends, it’s more like 15). For me, change meant a new school and having to make new friends, both of which were difficult for me. My negative view on change definitely was a problem for me in early adulthood – it impacted my willingness to make changes, or to fully embrace them when I did. While I did choose to leave Santa Cruz and go to New England for college, my attitude about the differences had a very negative impact on my ability to embrace and enjoy the college experience – it wasn’t until my last year of college that I was really able to settle in and enjoy the differences, unfortunately. Professionally, in my early jobs I often complained about and resisted change, instead of recognizing that I couldn’t stop it and learning how to make the most of it. The result? A lot of useless stress and conflict.

While change still brings up some anxieties and discomfort for me, I have learned that it can be a good thing, that it’s sometimes necessary and very beneficial, and I’ve developed the ability to see and embrace the positives. I’m feeling more and more excited about my office move as it approaches. Changing location is always a good opportunity to create some new positive rituals or processes, and it’s a good opportunity to ‘clean house’. This helps everything feel clean and refreshed and it tends to be energizing. I’m hoping that energy boost will help me move forward with some of the ideas I’ve been working on for a while, such as “Interconnected,” a bi-weekly call-in show / podcast I’m putting together (more news on that as I get closer to launching it). I’m someone who can be especially prone to get into ruts, so being in a new neighborhood will help me change where I go to lunch, what I do during my breaks, etc.

Physiologically, there’s a good reason we don’t like change. To our brains (specifically, the amygdala), change can be seen as a ‘threat’ – the stability and comfort of our current situation being replaced with unknowns. It takes an assist from the pre-frontal cortex to help us see that there are opportunities that come with the change as well – but sometimes, the stress of change impacts our brain processes in a way that impairs the PFCs ability to help. So, using self-soothing tools such as exercise, meditation, etc. to help manage your anxiety when considering or going through change is very important. That way, you will be better able to recognize the stories you are making up about the changes for what they are – anxiety and history-influenced stories, not facts. Seeing those stories for what they are and recognizing that you have the power to create an alternative story through your actions will help you to use change in a positive way. As you practice that process, you’ll also be doing the work of ‘hard-wiring’ neural shortcuts in your brain which will make it easier and more automatic in the future.

One last tip on change: think about past changes you’ve gone through and the positive things that came from them. Make a note of what you did to help create, support, or embrace those positive things. Often, that process will help you identify things you can do to help make more of your current changes.

I don’t know if I’ll get another blog post done before my move – if not, see you on the other side!

I’d been giving some thought to this on Christmas evening after watching my daughter open and play with presents earlier in the day. She’s not quite 2, and actually didn’t even open all her presents, because she got caught up in playing with the few she did open. Beyond the fact that the unopened gifts effectively gave me a head start on shopping for her birthday, it was also another case of my daughter as teacher as she showed me how to embrace the moment by taking time to enjoy what was in front of her instead of racing on to the next thing. While this was on my mind, I ran across this post from Daring Fireball blogger John Gruber. (If you’re an Apple fan, you probably already know about him – but if you don’t, I highly recommend his blog.)

Everything changes – both the good and the bad. Remember that. Embrace the good while it’s there and don’t take it for granted. Don’t get too caught up in the bad, it’s only temporary. Or, to quote Jann Arden’s song “Into the Sun”:

“Hold your head high,
Keep a smile upon your face.
You’ll be gone before you know it.”

Well, it’s built into their culture – and it turns out that they take a very different approach to mistakes than many of us. Rather than try to avoid mistakes, cover them up, or point fingers to blame others for mistakes, they’ve created an environment that expects mistakes, makes a point of exposing them early in the process and corrects them promptly. In other words, at Pixar mistakes are not bad, they’re normal.

I think there’s a great lesson there.

We must get past our mindset about failure and mistakes as being ‘bad’ if we are going to be happier and improve our relationships. Mistakes are inevitable. They aren’t the problem. In fact, they are a critical part of how we learn.

If we avoid making mistakes – we don’t grow.
If we avoid exploring our mistakes – we don’t grow.
If we blame others for our mistakes – well, you get the point.

I’m not encouraging anyone to deliberately engage in non-relational behavior here, but I do think it’s important to understand that mistakes are much less fatal to relationships than people’s refusal to acknowledge them, repair them, and learn from them.

If we feel we can’t make mistakes, we stop taking risks. When we stop taking risks, we stop growing. When we stop growing, our world starts shrinking and becomes a place full of anxiety and distress. Not good. You can change it – you can talk to your partner and your family and create a different meaning for mistakes and a different way for handling them. What might you do differently if you knew it was ok to ‘fail’ ?

Recently, they posted this article about a new book on decision making from a Nobel Prize-winning Psychologist, Daniel Kahneman, “Thinking Fast & Slow“.

Essentially, it explores our two different mental systems – “fast thinking” and “slow thinking”.

“According to Kahneman, there are very few circumstances in which system one – more impulsive and emotional than system two – is your best guide. As a rule, he’d advise everyone to slow down their decision making whenever possible. In general, system one is most reliable within your area of expertise. A chess master, for example, might be able to make a great move based on gut instinct (though even in this case, slowing down couldn’t hurt) because she’s internalized tens of thousands of possible patterns of gameplay.”

In other words, when you’ve been well-trained and practiced in a certain area of decision-making, you’re able to trust that “fast thinking” system, because it has a good body of reference material to work from. In other cases, though, you’ll do better engaging your “slow thinking” system (your pre-frontal cortex).

The article also has a short video that’s worth watching.

It can be tempting to rush the decision-making process, but it’s often a bad deal in the making – the less time we take to consider our options thoroughly, the less likely we are to make a good decision. Here’s the physiological part you need to know: the part of our brain that regulates emotions (the amygdala) works faster than the part of our brain that processes logic (the pre-frontal cortex). When it comes to decision-making, this is important – the quicker you make a decision, the more likely it is that you are making a decision using only a part of your brain, rather than a balance of feeling and thinking. Like any decision made with only half your data, the quality of that decision is going to be impacted. This is how and why high-pressure sales tactics can be very effective in getting us to make purchases we later regret. (I’m not talking about dealing with a situation that requires a rapid response that you are trained to handle – i.e. a surgeon who has to make a split-second decision to save a patient’s life. In those cases, going with one’s gut usually produces better results.)

If you find yourself making choices in the moment that you regret later, try this simple change: slow down. Just the act of taking a little extra time to consider your choice can make a really big difference – it gives the pre-frontal cortex a chance to catch up with the amygdala. You might be surprised at what a difference it makes with your decision-making. I know a lot of clients in my practice have found it helpful.

Funny thing – turns out that I’m probably learning just as much from my daughter as she is from me. I’ve written before about her level of awareness and how ‘present’ she is in the world and how that’s helped me make some improvements in that area. One of her latest challenges is learning how to jump. She’s not there yet, but it’s great to watch her try.  She’ll say “jump!” repeatedly as she does her best to imitate the motion of someone jumping – right up to the point where her feet should leave the ground. Sometimes one foot goes up, but she hasn’t quite gotten the weight transfer part figured out so she can get both feet off the ground at the same time. (It probably doesn’t help that her dad has virtually no jumping ability. Sorry, sweetie…)

Most of us adult types, we try something a few times, and if we can’t do it, we get frustrated and give up. We expect quick mastery. If we’re the type to be self-critical, we label ourselves as a failure or ‘not good enough’. Our world shrinks a little more as we add one more thing we ‘can’t do to our list of ‘can’t's ‘.

My daughter? Not so much. She just keeps on trying, smiling, apparently confident that she’ll get it figured out eventually.  I’ve never seen somebody take so much joy in their inability to do something. Of course, most of her life has been about things she once couldn’t do that she’s learned how to do. Roll over, sit up, crawl, stand, walk, talk. Learning all of these things has involved repeated efforts and ‘failures’ on her part. Perhaps that helps.

She hasn’t (yet) had the (mis-)programming that failure is ‘bad’ and to be avoided. She doesn’t yet have the misguided idea that she should just be good at things automatically. She’s still operating from her human instinct, which guides her to try things repeatedly to help learn and master them. She does this with picture books, too. She’ll make me turn the pages for her again and again as she learns the objects on each page. When she gets one wrong, I gently correct her, and it doesn’t phase her a bit. She has no expectations. She wants to learn, and she just keeps trying.

What stops you from continuing to try? What are the stories you tell yourself about ‘failure’? Maybe it’s time to revise them.

In a study published in the November issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health, nearly 40 percent of young adults who said they had tried suicide said that they made their first attempt before entering high school.

The researchers also found that suicide attempts during childhood and adolescence were linked to higher scores of depression at the time of the attempts…

It’s very important to take signs of depression in children seriously, whatever age they occur at. While our world seems more connected than ever, the type of connection we have is very shallow – the depth of support and connection that helps us all to feel secure is lacking for many. When you add in how ‘overscheduled’ many of us are these days, the result is often children who feel alone, scared, and are lacking in the tools they need to deal with the challenging feelings that are a natural part of life.

Our children need to be nurtured, they need to be taught about how to deal with the challenges of life, including all the difficult feelings that are a normal part of our world. If those feelings are challenging for you to deal with, you aren’t alone, but you owe it to yourself and your children to change that. Don’t let your limitations become problems for your children.