Lately, she’s really into climbing. Steps, ladders, anything that’s climbable. It doesn’t matter how high or complex it is, she wants to go up there.

Me, I often think ‘geez, that’s kinda big for you.’ I feel anxiety at the thought of her falling, even though I am always there spotting her carefully. I find myself wanting to say ‘no, honey, that’s too big for you.’

Then, I remember my own anxiety-filled childhood and think about how many things I was scared to do, and how much my mother’s anxiety contributed to her enabling my own. So, I take a deep breath … and I let her climb. Occasionally, she needs a little guidance from me about where to put her hands or feet. Overall, though, she does remarkably well … and when she gets to the top, she says “I climbed all the way up!” with pride in her voice.

Would she do this if I told her to ‘be careful’ or that it was ‘too big for her’, or if she knew the playground was for ‘big kids’, not toddlers? I don’t think so. That would be filling her mind with anxiety and doubt and just get in her way. She doesn’t know she’s what she’s not supposed to be able to do. She just knows she what wants to do – she’s busy expanding her abilities and her world, and that’s her focus. I’d like to think that the trust she has in me and the knowledge that I’ll support and protect her helps, too. That may just be my ego, though – I’m not sure she wouldn’t just try it on her own if I wasn’t there!

What would you try if you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to be able to do it? What experiences, beliefs, or outside messages get in the way of what you want to do? Who could you turn to for help or support on your climb?

“I climbed all the way up!”

Here’s my take on this: if you don’t trust what your partner is doing or saying, and attempts to get them to ‘come clean’ don’t go anywhere, be careful about what you do next. If you are seeking proof so that you have the information you need to feel good about leaving the relationship, that’s one thing. However, if you are hoping to get proof that you can use to confront your partner so they’ll stop, I encourage you to think again. Spying on your partner comes at a significant cost: it creates an issue around privacy in the relationship. If you really think your partner is doing something wrong, and they won’t admit it, it’s a good time to seek therapy before more problems develop. If your partner refuses to go to therapy or says they don’t need it, you have to ask yourself how much of a ‘partner’ you have.

Taking matters into your own hands is not only a bad relationship move, but it may also be problematic from a legal perspective. Bartholomew & Wasznicky, a Sacramento-area family law firm, posted an article about this on their site recently in which they discuss this. Here’s what they had to say about spyware:

“Installing spy software involves murky legal issues, particularly where a computer is jointly owned property. Installing spyware on a computer belonging to someone else is illegal, but when it comes to family computers, the issue of ownership is often blurry. What one spouse considers private property may legally be marital property owned by the spouses in common and vice versa.”

Yes, feeling like ‘something is going on’ and not having the data to back it up is frustrating, and can make you feel crazy – just be careful about what actions you take to address the problem.

If the wants and needs of the people in a relationship are continually disregarded, for whatever reason, the connection between the two people eventually dies. (This is just as true when you or your partner disregard your own wants & needs as it is when you disregard the other’s wants & needs.)

‘Either / or’ kills relationships.

Sure, some choices are pretty obvious due to the significant consequences – but they are still choices.

The next time you find yourself saying “I had no choice”, stop for a second. Is that true? If you shift your mindset from “I have to” to “I am choosing to”, what changes for you?

It’s pretty simple: I’d like to know what you are struggling with as it relates to relationships – it could be a current situation, fears about the future, past hurts, or something else. Here’s the deal: if you’re willing to share it with me, I’m willing to help you with it.

You can get in touch via email, or if you’d prefer to remain anonymous, just use the form on my contact page. While I will be responding publicly, you can rest assured that I’ll maintain your privacy through avoiding or changing identifying details as needed.

Thanks in advance for your contributions – I appreciate it!

Here’s the problem: those feelings are messages, important ones. They aren’t always clear or accurate, and they’re often uncomfortable, but they’re vitally important.

Would you listen to music while wearing earplugs? Would you cross the street with your eyes closed? Of course not – you’d be limiting your experience dramatically in the first case and putting your life at risk in the second.

Well, when you start dodging your discomfort, you’re essentially doing the same thing – and your life and relationships will suffer for it.

For what it’s worth, you’re also being very human, very normal, and facing a problem that’s far bigger than you.

We live in a world that actively encourages us to avoid or numb our feelings. Each gender gets messages about what feelings aren’t ‘ok’ to feel. Companies make a business out of selling things to distract or numb us so that we don’t have to feel the feelings we don’t want. Last, but not least, some of these feelings are very uncomfortable, and being in the grip of them can be extremely unpleasant.

You can avoid and deny your feelings for a while, but not forever. When you avoid, it can come with a high price tag – being that much more entangled in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere, having an undiagnosed cancer progress from treatable to fatal, etc. On the flip side, you also get less out of the happy and special times that you experience in your life – when you numb, you numb the good and the bad.

The reality of life is that we have to face difficult situations and hard choices, and those situations generate uncomfortable feelings. Those feelings are trying to call your attention to these situations early on. Feel them, listen to them, let them motivate you to take action. When you make that shift, these situations won’t hurt as much or as long – and you start to learn that you can face these challenging situations and scary feelings. What’s more, when you let yourself really feel, you’ll start to get more out of the positive experiences of your life, too.

How to do that? Mindfulness meditation is a simple and powerful way to begin this work. Counseling can be very helpful, too – a significant part of the work I do with my clients, really, is helping them to change their relationship with their feelings.

I suppose that if I thought of my job as ‘listening to other people’s problems all day long’, I would get tired of it – but that’s not what I do. My current answer to “What do you do?” is this: I help people to have better relationships with themselves and others.

Really, though, there’s a lot more to it.

I get to watch people turn their lives around. I get to help people feel less alone in their pain, shame, and suffering by giving them a space to talk about the things nearly all of us experience but hardly any of us talk about openly. (My clients are often relieved to learn they aren’t ‘stupid’, ‘weird’, or ‘crazy’). I get to help people fill in the gaps in their relationship skills so they can break the cycle of dysfunctional relationships that have gone on for generations in their families. I get to help people recognize the emotional burdens they carry and learn how to let go of those burdens. I get to help people find and embrace their strengths and their unique gifts. Maybe some would see it as a burden … but I choose to look at it as a privilege.

So no, I don’t get tired of listening to other people’s problems all day long. I get inspired by my clients willingness to be vulnerable and their determination to grow and change. They continue to show me what people are capable of, and I’m grateful for the daily reminder.

1) The notion that you can trade your way out of pain

2) Embracing your current pain and avoiding newer, unknown pains.

He’s talking primarily about business environments, but it applies to relationships, too.

The first mistake is also known as the “I’ll be happy when …” (…I have the right job, the right house, the right relationship, etc.) myth. Embracing this myth keeps us stuck in a state of dissatisfied seeking. It may fuel our economy, but it isn’t going to help you feel better.

The second mistake is one those of us who can be a little too persistent (i.e. stubborn) for our own good can get stuck in. It’s the ‘if I keep trying, it’ll get better” approach to resolving a problem. Unfortunately, that isn’t always true. Sometimes, it’s not going to get better – perhaps because part of the problem is unchangeable, or the other person/people involved simply aren’t willing to change at any cost, for example.

A lot of the work I do with clients is helping them to develop a different prospective on and relationship with pain. We need to learn that pain isn’t inherently ‘bad’ or ‘good’ – like all feelings, it’s information. I do think it is important that we develop a clear awareness of our current pain and take action to address it – at least as a starting point. However, there are times when it becomes clear that the particular pain (i.e. unreasonable boss or a dysfunctional relationship) we’re facing can’t really be resolved – and then, it may be better to seek out something different.

Or, in other words: Giving up too easily is a mistake. So is never giving up. Finding the middle way can be challenging – but with the right teaching, support, and practice, it is possible.

Initially, of course, there’s the challenge of changing yourself. You need to know what’s wrong, to believe you can change, to figure out what to do differently, and then actually make the changes. Sure, I covered it in a sentence, but don’t be fooled – depending on the situation and your history, it could take anything from a couple of days to years of work.

After that, there comes the unexpected part – your partner, who may have even been the one initially pushing for you to change, doesn’t support it. In fact, they may actively resist or criticize your changes.

Huh? What’s going on here?

Equilibrium, that’s what. Relationships, like all systems, seek equilibrium. (Equilibrium, defined by dictionary.com, is “a state of rest or balance due to the equal action of opposing forces”). Much like in other physical systems in nature, when that equilibrium is disrupted, the rest of the system initially tends to seek a means of restoring the old equilibrium – whether or not it was a happy or healthy one.

In fact, often the best way to tell when changes you are trying to make in yourself and your relationship are genuine and significant is that the rest of the system begins to ‘push back’ in some way. So, when you see that resistance, it’s important to realize that it doesn’t necessarily mean your partner won’t support the change – it does mean that they are experiencing the normal human discomfort that most of us feel when change happens.

Don’t let the resistance stop you – this is exactly the point at which many relational change efforts stall out, leading people to believe that they will always be ‘stuck’ and can’t change. A few things will help you stay on track:

1) Before even starting to make changes, it’s a good idea to talk to your partner about your plan so that they are more aware of what’s happening – this will sometimes pre-empt the resistance.

2) Check in with yourself and your support system on your plan for change to make sure you are still on track and implementing the change in a way that’s appropriate. Focus on the actions you are taking, not your partner’s reactions to them. (Or, as they say in 12-step programs, ‘put principles above personalities’).

3) Remind yourself that this resistance is a normal part of system change, and that the resistance means you are actually having some success in implementing your changes.

As you continue with your program of change, one of two things will happen. Often, the system will find a new equilibrium and stabilize at a happier and higher level of functioning. Sometimes, however, the relationship will break down and the relationship will end. When this happens, it’s a sign that the relationship was a bad fit – in fact, it’s very possible that your previous state of equilibrium was an attempt to compensate for some fundamental flaws in the system, leading to the unhappiness that prompted you to change. Either way, you’ll be in a better place – with a happier relationship, or the freedom to pursue one.

On the other hand, who knows what sort of side-effects might be caused? More significantly, I fear that this is the kind of thing that would be misused.

“The problem with eliminating pain, of course, is that pain is often educational. We learn from our regrets and mistakes; wisdom is not free. If our past becomes a playlist—a collection of tracks we can edit with ease—then how will we resist the temptation to erase the unpleasant ones? Even more troubling, it’s easy to imagine a world where people don’t get to decide the fate of their own memories. “My worst nightmare is that some evil dictator gets ahold of this,” Sacktor says. “There are all sorts of dystopian things one could do with these drugs.” While tyrants have often rewritten history books, modern science might one day allow them to rewrite us, wiping away genocides and atrocities with a cocktail of pills.”

The ‘tyrant’ scenario is fairly extreme, sure, but it is important that we don’t discount the educational (and motivational) power of discomfort and pain – we’ve already become too skilled at numbing ourselves for our own good, I think.