But …
… you won’t get what you want.

What’s more important – certainty or possibility?

Why?

What if it turns out that everyone makes mistakes?

What if it turns out that making mistakes doesn’t make you defective, a loser, or a bad person?

What if avoiding the mistakes isn’t the secret?

What if this is the secret: learning & growing from your mistakes?

Wouldn’t that change your perspective on them?

Instead of avoiding them, covering them up, or otherwise trying to distance yourself from them, you’d want to examine them, study them so you do better next time, right?

Try it.

It depends. (Seems like that’s my answer to every question … guess I’m not much for black & white…)

If you and your partner are very similar in personality, odds are better that you’ll have less conflict. The more ‘like’ you someone is, the better chance that you won’t have a lot of disagreement.

However … the problem when there’s no tension/discomfort/etc., as I talked about last week, is that there’s also not a lot of growth. Two people who are a lot alike have a tendency to have a low conflict relationship that ends up in a rut.

I was in a relationship like that once. We eventually ended up going to the same place for dinner every Friday for almost two years. I think that qualifies as a ‘rut’, huh? This was also at a point in my life where I really craved structure and predictability as an (unhealthy, and limiting) way to be comfortable and ‘safe’. Regardless, it wasn’t good for the relationship.

A good thing with a partner that is very different from you in personality is that you are much less likely to get stuck in stuck in ruts (unless you become too conflict-avoidant). The not-so-good thing is that there may be a lot of push-pull tension in the relationship due to the differences. The extrovert may want to go to parties, the introvert may prefer to stay home or go to a movie (and this writer would prefer to be more creative in their use of stereotypes). A partner who’s more into ‘doing’ may want to be out, engaging in the world – hiking, gardening, etc., while a partner who’s more into thinking may want to be engaging in long, deep conversations.

So, the good news is that having a partner who is different will stretch you. The bad news is that it’ll stress you out if you aren’t careful because you’ll often feel pressured to do things that are out of your comfort zone. That can lead to a lot of conflict.

So, what’s the answer? Well …

• If you are looking for it primarily to be a place of predictability and security, you’ll probably do better with a partner who is more like you.
• If you are looking for your relationship to be a place of growth, you’ll do better with a partner who’s more an opposite.
• Or, you might try looking for something in the middle. How about a partner who is similar to you in certain key ways, but different in others? This can help you get that core sense of connection that you need, but also provide the differences that will help support variety and growth.

More and more, I think that the third option is probably the easiest path to an enduring relationship. However, it’s definitely not the only way to accomplish that. Any of these configurations can work great if you are conscious of them, of what you want, and you build your relationship and your day to day life in a way to work with that particular configuration.

So, I think the real key is understanding what your relationship needs to thrive and grow, and then structuring your relationship in a way that recognizes the respective differences between you and your partner and uilds your relationship in a way to support that.

I’ll be talking more about this tomorrow at noon on Interconnected, as well as discussing a tool you can use to learn more about yourself, your partner, or potential partners. Hope you can join me!

When people talk about ‘avoiding risks’, what they probably mean is ‘avoiding discomfort’.

Risk is an especially problematic subject with it comes to relationships. Many people want their relationship to be a place of safety, predictability & security. In a world of instability, the last thing we want at home is more of that. Here’s the problem that occurs in our relationships when we focus too much on seeking safety and avoiding risk: our options become limited. This leads to predictability, boredom, and, very possibly, an affair or other relationship-damaging behavior.

So, do we face rejection (or possibly ridicule) from our partner, or risk stagnation? Often, couples choose the latter and pay a high price tag for it.

Intellectually, it’s not hard to get to the place of recognizing that the better thing for ourselves and our relationships is to take risks, try new things and work on growth (not constantly – that’s exhausting – but certainly it should be a part of your relationship dynamic)

This can occur on a fairly mundane level – trying new restaurants, for example … or, it can occur around one of the most sensitive subjects there is when it comes to relationships: sex. Broadening the scope of shared activities in your relationship can really bring a lot to it … but the anxiety and discomfort that comes up around topics such as sex can also tear your relationship apart.

There are two primary reasons why it gets scary to take risks into your relationship. First off, many of us fear rejection, especially from a significant person in our life. We give a lot of emotional power (sometimes too much) to the words of significant others in our world – so that rejection can hurt quite a bit if we let it. Second, if our partner is hesitant to try new or different things due to their own anxiety or discomfort, they may reject the suggestion as way of managing their anxiety … and when people react from their anxiety, it isn’t always pretty.

So, what to do? If you want your relationship to be a place of growth, it needs to become a safe place to take risks. Each partner can help support this in a couple of ways:

1) Make it safer for your partner to take risks by responding to them in a gentle, loving way – even when you are anxious and will end up saying no. Make it clear that the no is due to your feelings and your discomfort (“Thank you for taking the risk of asking, I appreciate that. I’m finding myself feeling pretty uncomfortable about that idea, though, so I think I’m going to say ‘no’ … at least for now.”). Don’t attack your partner for triggering your anxiety (“That’s a ridiculous idea! I can’t believe you would even suggest that!”) Better yet, work on overcoming the anxieties that limit your ability to engage with your partner in different areas of your relationship.

2) Develop a stronger sense of self so that you are not so impacted by your partner’s words and opinions. I’m not suggesting you should or could be completely independent of your partner’s opinion – that’s indifference, not love. However, if you give the words of others too much power, your close relationships are going to become battlefields.

Want to learn more? Have questions about risk and relationships? Join me this Friday at noon for “Interconnected“.

(I know John Mayer is someone that isn’t universally liked, but I think this is a great song, on multiple levels. Check it out!)

One of the most valuable things you can do if you want to expand and improve your life is to change your relationship with fear. So many of us learn to interpret it as a message saying “Look out, impending disaster here! Stay away!” That’s good when there really is an impending disaster, of course … but what about other times?

What about, for example, when all we are risking is ‘rejection’ from someone we don’t even know and may never see again? What exactly is there for you to lose in that situation?

Then, on the other side, what is there to gain? Think about an important relationship in your life. Think about all that person brings into your world. What would it be worth to you to add another relationship like that? What if that person who you’re afraid to talk to could be one of those relationships? Now, how do you feel about taking that risk?

I’ve generally got some sort of self-development ‘project’ going on with myself (shocking from a therapist, I’m sure..) This year, I’m working on stretching myself in a couple areas – one professional, one personal. It’s proving educational in a number of ways:

• I’m more aware of my feelings of fear and anxiety when they come up. The ‘bad’ thing is that I feel the anxiety more intensely. The good thing is that the increased consciousness gives me more ability to make a deliberate choice, instead of unconsciously reacting.
• I’m reminded of the ways in which repetition can be helpful – the more consistent I am with the shifts I’m trying to make, the easier they get … even when they don’t succeed, because I also get a good reminder that the ‘failure’ isn’t really a big deal (or a failure, really.)
• There’s an obvious and significant connection between my efforts and positive change in my world, whether it’s creating opportunities, reinforcing existing connections or making new ones. When we focus on our fears and the negative possibilities, we completely lose sight of this upside … but a couple of ‘wins’ can do a lot for your self-confidence and attitude.

So, perhaps Mayer is right – maybe fear really is a misunderstood friend.

Thom is a therapist and author based in Tennessee. I’m a big fan of his book “Embracing Fear”, because I think it is comprehensive, accessible, and funny – a great combination. I don’t remember where I picked up this quote of his from, but I think about it nearly every day in my work with couples.

As we get to know someone, we start to make assumptions (or, ‘guesses’, some might say) about what our partner is going to do or say, what they are thinking, etc. Then, eventually, we start treating them as fact. That’s often when the chaos in a relationship really escalates. It’s not a problem when we’re right …but when we’re wrong, and we start making negative assumptions … look out.

Who enjoys feeling misunderstood or having their motives labeled inaccurately? Yeah, just what I thought …no hands up.

If I was going to offer a single tip to a couple as to how they could significantly change their interactions, it would be this: begin approaching them from a place of open curiosity … as if you were talking to somebody you were tasked with developing a deep understanding of, not someone you’d known for years and felt a lot of resentment towards. When approach a person or situation from a place of open curiosity things shift. You will develop a new (and, generally, more accurate) picture of your partner. Here’s a bonus: the person you are curious about will feel more cared about, and that will generally help them ‘warm up’, too.

(Note: this assumes a certain level of trust within the relationship. If there are some core trust issues present, that complicates things, and trust is really the piece you need to work on first.)

I laughed. If you look, you can see heel tracks in the carpet of my office – the result of all the guys who’ve been dragged to therapy by their partners.

Really, there aren’t a lot of people, male or female, who get excited about going to see a counselor (except, primarily, for those who’ve been before and know what they can get from the process). Why would you? While the end result can be invaluable – better relationships, more confidence, overcoming anxiety & depression, among other things – the process of getting there is uncomfortable – no real way around it. As a society, we have a dysfunctional relationship with discomfort – we’ve decided that discomfort is bad and to be avoided, even though it’s an inevitable part of growth. This seems especially so with emotional discomfort. It doesn’t help that the emotional brain is very, very powerful, so fear can get a disproportionate level of influence in our decision-making process if we aren’t careful. We’ve made it worse by deciding that it’s not OK to make mistakes. Men have a lot of shame triggers around competence, so pointing out our mistakes or things we don’t know is especially uncomfortable. (Now you know why we never ask for directions!) In my office, you’re going to be uncomfortable at times … and we’re probably going to talk about some of the mistakes you’ve made. So, if the idea of going to counseling doesn’t get you all fired up, I wouldn’t be surprised or concerned.

By the way – the number of ‘mistakes’ we make isn’t a terribly strong predictor of success or failure, whether on a personal, professional, or relational level. Our willingness to acknowledge our mistakes and learn from them is a huge factor in success. The fact that you’ve made mistakes doesn’t make you defective. It makes you human. In therapy, we’ll explore your mistakes … not to point out how messed up you are, but to help you learn & grow from them – so you can become the person you are capable of being. In my experience, once my clients come to trust that (which, understandably, can take a while), their perspective on the process shifts. So, while the discomfort may still be there, the intensity of it lessens, and it’s easier to face once you understand it’s ‘for a good cause’.

So, if you or your partner are feeling reluctant about counseling, there’s nothing unusual or wrong about it. I’m always happy to set up time for a phone consultation with potential clients, which often helps address their concerns. Or, you can always join me online or via telephone for my weekly relationship show, Interconnected, which happens each Friday at 12:30pm Pacific Time.

I invite you to join me this Friday from 12:30pm-1:15pm (Pacific Time) for the first episode of ‘Interconnected’. Each week, I’ll be discussing the connections in our lives, how they affect us, and how to make them better.

If you have a relationship question you’d like answered ‘on the air’, you can send it to me via my contact form beforehand or ask it during the show on Friday.

From your computer, you can listen in either directly via the ‘widget’ on the bottom of each page of my website, or click here to go to my show page on talkshoe.com.

Or, if you’d prefer to dial-in and listen via telephone, dial 724-444-7444 (Call ID is 116743#)

Hope to ‘see’ you Friday!

Some, however, I ignore. A few, on occasion, actually make me angry. I posted a brief rant about this recently on my FB page.

Why do they make me angry?

Well, when I think about clients who have come to me looking for help with depression, anxiety and/or shame and where they were mentally and emotionally at the start of our work together, I’m certain some of these quotes would just have made them feel worse.

An example: ”Worry is a misuse of the imagination” – Dan Zadra

Now, I have no idea who Dan is, and I’m not trying to pick on him or this quote. Truth be told, as someone who can drift into worry pretty easily, I have found it to be a useful quote to help me redirect myself.

However, I couldn’t always do that.

A long time ago, I went through a bout of major depression. I’m sure it was challenging and frustrating for those who tried to motivate, inspire or lift me up, since I was stuck pretty far down at the time. Had I seen Dan’s quote back then, it would have just made me feel angry – at myself. The inner dialogue would have gone something like this:  ”See what a loser you are? You’re worrying when you should be creating! You’re supposed to be smart, but you can’t even think right. Hopeless!”

See, it’s all well and good to tell someone what to do.

But, if they don’t know how to do it, and you don’t address that part … well, you’re doing your intended audience a disservice, I think.

It’s pretty rare that I work with someone who’s having a problem with anxiety, depression, shame, etc., that doesn’t have insight into the fact that there is something about how they’re thinking or acting that isn’t working. Often, they know exactly what they ‘should’ be doing.

Here’s the ‘problem’: they don’t know how to do it. (An additional challenge, at times, is that they don’t have a good understanding of why it would be worth doing. More on that another time.)

If I just say ‘stop worrying!’ to a client with anxiety, it isn’t going to fix them. If I simply state it in some artful or creative way, that might be a bit better, but it’s still unlikely to work. Both of these approaches have a high likelihood of triggering shame.

Now, If I can help them understand the underlying reasons why they are worrying … and that, despite all the problems it causes, that there is a perfectly good and logical reason they are worrying … and that there is nothing wrong with them, my clients start to understand (and believe) that they aren’t defective. That starts to open some doors.

When I can show them how to hold on to the benefits that come from the worrying while getting rid of the negatives, the part of them that resists change realizes that there are ways to change that are ‘safer’ than they had previously understood. Now, the stage is set for change.

When I teach them how to see and hold onto their innate ‘good-ness’, improve their awareness, explore and question their thought processes in a gentle, loving way, and to guide and redirect their emotional brain with their logical brain, that’s when the big moves happen.

Once someone gets to that point, inspirational and motivational quotes are great. They help keep us on track by providing a useful ‘nudge’ when we start to slip.

Until then, though, I’m not so sure.

So, to my fellow therapists and helpers: as we attempt to inspire and motivate, I hope we can all attempt to do so in a way that is appropriate to the audience we are communicating with.

Before I became a psychotherapist, I worked in IT for several years. In my early IT days, being sensitive & having good communication skills served me well in working with end users. However, it led to trouble with my colleagues at times. Back in the 90′s, IT professionals weren’t exactly known for their stellar people & relational skills … and I often found my feelings being hurt by some of the comments and criticisms that got thrown around by my colleagues.

I was fortunate to have a wonderful supervisor at the time. She had great people skills, and she really looked out for her team. One day, I was feeling particularly upset about a comment one of my colleagues had made to me and went to talk to my supervisor. She listened quietly to me talk, and once I finished, she simply said this: “Steve, consider the source.”

I’m sure I started blankly at her for a minute while I processed what she was saying. It was an starting point on a vital piece of my own personal development: development: learning that others’ words and opinions aren’t all equal … and that we need to consider the communication style of others in evaluating their words. Until that point, I had spent most of my life internalizing the expressed opinions of just about anyone I knew as facts. This made me pretty fragile, not to mention easy to manipulate and control. The way I coped with it for a long time was by becoming extremely private … but even for an introvert, that can become pretty lonely.

It was over 15 years ago now, but her statement has stuck with me, and I find it a useful reminder when I feel my emotional stuff being impacted by others’ words.

So, how do you consider the source? Well, when you find yourself strongly affected by another’s words, ask yourself some questions:

• How knowledgable are they about the subject at hand?
• How do they see & interact with the world? (Someone who’s always critical or always positive generally isn’t a good source of feedback, for example, unless you know how to ‘adjust’ their statement to compensate.)
• How does their value system match up with yours? What do they see as important and meaningful?
• Is there an ulterior motive for that opinion or judgement being expressed? (I have at times argued that the US economy runs on corporations making people feel bad or inadequate about themselves.)
• Are they honest or trustworthy?

We can’t let our emotional brain run the show, we need to engage the logical brain, too. ‘Consider the source’ can be a great tool to do that – give it a try!