“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Rogers, psychologist

Acceptance, the second of The Three A’s is, probably the most basic one in concept. However, for many people, it’s the hardest to put into action. Since there’s a lot of ground to cover, I’m going to take two posts to talk about acceptance. In this one, I’ll talk about acceptance, what it is, why there’s such a lack of it, and why that’s such a big problem. In the second post, I’ll be sharing some of my own experience with acceptance (and the lack of it), and some tools to help you use acceptance to help you deal with the challenges of life and relationships.

Acceptance, Defined
When I first heard the term acceptance used in an Al-Anon meeting a number of years back, I had a hard time with it – as it turns out, this was because I didn’t understand what they meant by acceptance. So, I want to start with a definition: in my work with clients, I define acceptance as “acknowledging what is.” That’s it. I’ll also note what acceptance is not – it has nothing to do with your opinion or feelings about what is. Acceptance is not approval.
Simple idea, right? How hard is it to acknowledge reality? Pretty hard, at times.

Our brains get in the way
The human brain is an amazing thing … but it also is built in a way that can cause problems for us. I sometimes say that we’ve ‘out-evolved’ certain aspects of our brain. We are wired for survival … but we live in a world where our survival isn’t threatened on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the emotional brain doesn’t realize this. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me,” right? Well, interesting thing: the same part of your brain (the amygdala) ‘lights up’ (has increased activity) whether you are being emotionally attacked or physically attacked – it doesn’t know the difference. If your pre-frontal cortex (the logical / rational part of your brain) has a chance to step in, this isn’t necessarily a problem. However, depending on the intensity of the ‘attack’ and our current emotional state, we may experience what’s called an ‘amygdala hijacking’ – the emotional brain takes over. It’s probably not that different than having your 6-year old suddenly grab the steering wheel of your car – not good. In this state, we are much more likely to make reactive choices that are significantly influenced by past events or our fear-distorted vision of the future. Our brain starts making up stories, and much like the stories of a 6-year old, they aren’t very accurate. This is how an audit notice from the IRS can be transformed into ‘the end of the world’. This is the brain trying to prepare us for ‘battle’, but unfortunately it doesn’t really help in most of the situations we face. Sometimes, we respond to this with anxiety. Other times, we respond with various forms of denial – the antithesis of acceptance.

Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt – it’s a social norm, too
Part of why we have such difficulty with acceptance is that we live in a cuture that embraces denial:

• We use cosmetic surgery to remove the effects of aging because we’ve decided that there’s something wrong with ‘getting older’
• We look at credit card debt as ‘normal’ instead of seeing the long-term impacts to our financial well-being
• We spend endless hours on sites such as Second Life and online games such as World of Warcraft, which allow you to create an entirely new persona. Even Facebook allows you to present a highly distorted picture of yourself to the world
• We continue to engage in environmentally damaging behavior, apparently ignoring the ever-increasing evidence about the implications to our planet
• We embrace the concept of ‘perfectionism’, which has the unintended consequence of making it more difficult for us to acknowledge limitations and mistakes

Unfortunately, we are a little too good at focusing on now and ignoring later for our own good. (That said, there are times when we get too focused on later and not enough on now for our own good, too.) Lack of acceptance can be costly – emotionally, financially, and physically. Over the past couple of years, I’ve started using the term ‘emotional interest’ with my clients, likening it to the interest that accumulates on a loan or credit card debt.

Denial has many faces
There are several different forms of denial which we use as means of avoiding acceptance:

• Outright denial: “I don’t have cancer. The doctor misdiagnosed me.”
• Numbing: “I’ve had a rough day, I need a drink.”
• Minimization: “It’s no big deal. Everyone has a ton of credit card debt. It’s the American way!”
• Diversion: “I can’t worry about that right now, I need to deal with this other problem.”

Often, it’s the more subtle forms of denial that prove more difficult to confront, but all of them can lead to significant problems if not addressed. If it’s an extreme form of denial, we may not even consciously recognize there’s a problem, let alone that it needs to be addressed. When it’s more subtle, we may recognize there’s a problem, but our distorted picture interferes with our ability to resolve it.

Non-acceptance is a downward spiral
Like so many human behaviors, denial creates a self-sustaining spiral:

1. A situation comes into our awareness that results in feelings of fear
2. We find a way to dodge or avoid it to decrease our anxiety in the moment (denial)
3. This distorted awareness impacts our motivation and ability to address the situation
4. The situation gets worse.
5. A moment of awareness brings this into focus, resulting in more fear, and a corresponding increase in our level of denial

And down the spiral we go, until something ‘breaks’.

In light of all of this, it’s hardly surprising that we struggle with acceptance. The good news is that there is a lot you can do to increase your skill at acceptance. The better news is that increasing that skill can provide significant benefits for you in handling the challenges of your life and relationships. More on that in part 2, coming soon.