(I posted a version of this article on my old ‘Happy Now, Sad Later’ blog on 12/30/2008. This version is revised.)

“I lied to her because I knew she’d be mad if I told the truth.”

Hardly a week goes by when I don’t hear this from a client in my office, explaining their reason for being dishonest with their spouse. This may be #1 on the list of ‘bad deals’ that we make in relationships.

In theory, if the lie is never found out, there’s no problem. In fact, the liar often feels that it’s a good deal, as it avoids a conflict. (The reality, though, is that you’ve still got the issue of your own integrity to wrestle with.) In practice, the lie often gets found out, and there are now two problems to deal with:

1) The conflict you were trying to avoid through the lie.
2) The trust issue you’ve created in your relationship.

Lack of trust is incredibly toxic to relationships. When there is no trust, intimacy decreases significantly, and communication becomes immensely challenging – when you don’t trust your partner, how do you tell what they say is true and what isn’t? This isn’t exactly a recipe for a successful relationship. At a workshop I attended a few years back, I was told of a Native American saying: “Trust is more important than love.” In my experience with couples, I’d say this is true. If the trust in your relationship is damaged, just about everything else is affected.

Don’t let your fear of conflict drive you to an even bigger problem. Trust in committed relationships is a delicate thing – take good care of it.